Why Are We the Way We Are?

Have you ever wondered why you behave the way you do? Why are some people naturally calm while others are more impulsive, and why does the same person behave differently in different situations?

Our behavior is shaped by a combination of heredity and environment. Heredity gives us certain natural tendencies through our genes, while our environment—our family, experiences, relationships, and surroundings—continues to shape us after birth.

As children, we naturally express what we want with fewer filters. But as we grow, we observe the people around us and learn how to control and adjust our behavior. Parents and other important adults play a particularly significant role because children learn not only from what they are told but also from what they see others doing.

During childhood, we also develop core values—deep beliefs about what is right or wrong, how people should be treated, and what matters in life. These values can become an important part of our character and influence our behavior for years.

But values are not the same as attitudes. Values are deeper beliefs, whereas attitudes are opinions or feelings shaped by our experiences. For example, if someone has repeatedly been cheated by salespeople, they may develop the attitude that salespeople cannot be trusted. Unlike core values, attitudes can change when new experiences challenge our existing beliefs.

Our personality, values, and attitudes influence our behavior, but the situation around us matters too. We may behave differently with friends, family, colleagues, or strangers. This is why different people may see completely different versions of the same person.

Others cannot see our thoughts, experiences, or intentions directly. They mainly see our behavior. Because our behavior changes with our surroundings, we may appear to wear different “masks” in different situations. This does not necessarily mean we are fake; it means we adapt to our environment.

The chapter summarizes this idea as:

Behavior = f(Personality × Surrounding Factors)

In simple terms, our behavior is the result of who we are combined with the situation we are in.

So, before judging someone's behavior, it may be worth looking beyond what they are doing and asking: What might be happening beneath the surface?